the anti-dating rant

Now that I've had a few hours sleep, and a little time to mull over the convo with Mr. Earning Potential, I'm pissed. Like my sista-blogger Elle stated a few weeks ago, I've gotta agree - 2004 has been a banner year for a$$holes.

A coworker suggested that any man over 35, that's never been married probably has a good reason to not marry - the type of reason most women would run from. I'm beginning to agree. Let's look at a few choice examples, shall we?

• The maintenance applicant:: After applying for the position left open by the maintenance dude, during the initial interview this 46 year-old explains his current dating position, and mentions his maintenance chick. Why is she the maintenance chick I ask? She's immature, and they're not on the same page career-wise or in pursuing life-goals. Oh yeah, and she's 23. She's 3 years older than the Chaos. Er, let me call you right back. For real. I swear.


• The 50+ year olds:: does the geriatric set feel like they don't have shyt to lose? I'm 38. What the f&*% do I want with someone 15+ years older than me, who more likely than not is gonna have probs with his prostate, and impotence? Dayum, don't I have enough to look forward to, without that now???!!!


• The teacher:: in my local grocery store, he follows me around for 20 minutes while I pick out my groceries, then hangs around my car until I come out. Stalking at 7am is not cool, but he's an older cat, so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. We exchange numbers, and he keeps my Cross pen. Fine, I ain't tripping it. Then he calls me 3 times btwn 8 - 9:30am while I'm on a conference call, to tell me he has my pen. Ok, jeez - I'll get it from you next time I see you. So when I see him again, and ask him about it, he gives me this quizzical look, like I'm being cheap. Er, wasn't it you that called me to remind me? So, he goes to his car, and hands me a...Bic? When I call him on it, he says "look at you, being stingy..." WTF?! Yeah, I'm being stingy...wait...was that your phone # I accidentally threw out the window on I-85N at 90mph? Dayum...


• The Nigerians:: oh this one is so un-PC, but who cares? So, you see my lovely smiling face, and are moved to contact me. You think I'm beautiful, funny, but most of all, intelligent, and want nothing more than the opportunity to converse briefly with me. So far, so good. The problem/pitch is you lost your Visa/have this flourishing business, and you need help. With just a lil of my hard earned $$$, you can return to the US/ensure that your US business interests are being properly handled. Riiigghhht. I'm intelligent remember? So yeah, I'm gonna go for this...


• The Gen Y-ers:: The Chaos is 20 yrs old. Anyone within ±10 yrs of her age should know that I ain't taking note of anyone who could possibly look at both saga & the Chaos cross-eyed, like "I'd do either one of them". See the maintenance applicant above for more information.


• the maintenance dude, who violated rule #3 on List 2. 'Nuff Said.


• JC:: I refuse to talk about his a$$ again, on the grounds that it may incriminate me.


• The friend I should never have gone there with. I hate when I'm right sometimes.


• The rest:: the wildly anti-fashionable, marginally employed, gold-teethed, baby-mama-dramatic, artists-lovers-geeks-etc that end up being juggler's balls, substance-abusive, sex-addicted, horrible poets... WAIT. STOP.

I'm interrupting this rant/list for an important public service announcement. This message goes out to all those amateur poets, bathroom laureates, and aspiring bards in cyberspace. Brothers, if you are moved to write poetry to a stranger, please - I implore you - MAKE SURE YOU LET SOMEONE ELSE PROOF IT BEFORE YOU SEND IT. DON'T FALL BY THE WAYSIDE AS THIS ASPIRING WRITER DID. WARNING: HORRIBLE POETRY (unedited) FOLLOWS:

Peanut..

Size.

Does it really Matter?

Is Skippy better than Jiff., more Pea ?nuttier.

Why are jars hard to open when you just want to get to the peanut butter.
Then theirs crunchy.. thru the crunchiest, too many ! Nut?s {COUNT}
how many brands are there! Now tell me your favored

Peanut butter! Hay?


Note: I have no earthly idea WTF this was about. However, I did sarcastically email this dude, and created an analogy between Peanut Butter, and African-American love being oppressed (ground like PB) by this capitalist culture and 'The Man'. The Peanut Butter dude claimed "I got what he was trying to say". I don't know what was scarier - the poem, or the dude. Ok, back to the rant.

• Any guy throwing his d&*^ at me. For the record: ANY WOMAN WORTH HER SALT CAN GET SOME D&*^ WHENVER SHE F$#%ING FEELS LIKE IT. SHE CAN WALK OUT HER DOOR, AND SHOUT "I'M HORNY" AND D&*^ WILL MAGICALLY FALL OUTTA THE SKY AT HER FEET. THEREFORE, AND FURTHERMORE, THERE IS TRULY NO SUCH THING AS A WOMAN DESPERATE FOR SEX. SO NOT NA'AN AND NA'ARY A ONE OF YOU ARE DOING ANY WOMAN A FAVOR BY OFFERING TO F$#@ HER.

<rubbing my earlobes & chanting>WOO-M&*$@-F$#%ING-SA

Whew. I don't know if it's PMS, DMS or POMS (pre, during or post MS), but that felt dayum good. Now that I've gotten that out, maybe I can clear my dance card, and start out the New Year fresh. Sans brothers. Love y'all, but (save 2 notable exceptions, who are nowhere near my immediate vicinity) you're all getting on my nerves.

My lovelife needs a colonic.